Making Proposals Part II - Nearing 30

Rings of light, originally uploaded by suprio.

Approaching 30 is like a lifetime achievement and I am not liking it... not at all... seems I have had spent almost the half of my life in "fruit"-less, unimaginative pursuits.

When you are young, you often have the vision of greatness, of doing something purposeful and noble, achieving success... where has all that gone now? I realise with growing disappointment that this situation is not going to change very dramatically and that most of the things I have achieved till date seems pointless in the long run. Perhaps I am doing a Kafka and all his famous existentialism stuff have overwhelmed me. Then again I realise that this feeling is not original and I have had this since my early days... only then, this ideal seemed too absurd to be true. Every time I had this feeling, it has thankfully passed, leaving me in a state of indecisiveness; but every time it had come back again I have been rocked more intensely and the recovery from it seems to be taking longer and longer...

Several of my close friends and confidants, who somehow understand me attributes this growing despair to the fact that I have been too casual about any serious relations that tend to be tying-down. According to them I needed a cool headed companion who could bring some sort of rule into my life, but I disagree. I disagree in spite of the fact that since my article on Proposal Making, the very basis for a good steady affair, I have not had much success. That does not mean that my article was not a masterpiece... just that I have had a rough patch since then... it happens to most people you see... and to be in an affair you need the right person. Until very recently, I had been searching...

Just when it seemed that I might be making some headway, into the ever illusive affair, I am now not sure whether it would be such a good idea to take a plunge again and come out only wet with disappointment. I mean to say, that even if I think that the affair is just gathering momentum, all my previous brushes with this phenomenon hardly is any help in providing any ideas about where I am headed. I could be absolutely wrong in assuming that I have cleverly have conveyed my linking for the individual to this individual, but then again the thick or subtle gestures might have conveyed a completely benign message. I guess i will have to know somehow..but how?