Tuesday, 27 February 2007

A day in July of 2000 and its aftereffects on my philosophy

It was a gloomy day in Kolkata. The showers seemed to have forgotten that other places existed in the nation (don’t talk of Bombay though)... why was that it had to rain when I had such a yearning for the cozy bedroom of SJ (my Beloved). I thought to myself – well Suprio; this is a divine sign and it is telling you to let go the notion of visiting her. It had rained, I remember, for three continuous days and by the look of the sky it seemed that all was not over yet.

I still feel kind ‘a nostalgic about that day. But the warnings, the signs, which had been screaming to let go of my notions, were ignored and that is the reason why I don’t see her, at all, nowadays.

But the memories are hard to forget and the more conscious you are to bid them farewell, the more they seem to engross you. I had, I remember, braved the waterlogged streets to visit SJ 15 kilometers from my home, just to give her company in the dull weather conditions. I guess heartbreaks can cut as deep as you want it to and by the time I was reading the letter (from SJ) that announced that all my worldly relationships with her had finally ended, I was bleeding profusely form the cut that I had allowed to form in my heart: too deep to heal. I know I had every hand in setting it up, but I was also very sure that with all the cuteness I had, I would be able to win her heart. I was wrong. She was never inclined on a romantic stint with me; I just happened to have daydreamed for three long years!

Who knows what would have happened had I, with my entire prowess for making such wonderful propositions, had laid bare the thoughts sooner that haunted me for three long years! I was under the constant dilemma whether to actually tell her about how hypnotic I feel when she was around; she must have been a blind to miss it.

Nevertheless her letter, which had arrived on The 2nd of September 2000, only days after I had actually laid bare my feelings for her to her, proved that she HAD just missed them. I was devastated. I was left speechless and my hands trembled at the very idea of losing her altogether. This is precisely what happens when you demote friendship to love. I have learnt that in a hard way.

I have been since then, very confused. I did all my life (only 20 years then) believe that love is something that you have to feel rather than say explicitly. But Human beings are such curious species. They need the verbal assurance that "I love you…till the end of time"… bla.. bla… bla. I was so sure that it would just be like the kind of love you feel for your parents (they are perfectly happy if you don’t say those magical three-word sentence over and over again everyday, they just know; and you know that they know it too). But look what happened when I tried to preach the same … I ended up in soup.

I have never been so moved by anyone in my short life as SJ had; and I doubt I will ever be. I mean to say that after that incident in my life I was so disgusted with my beliefs that I started making an effort to be a little more expressive in my relationships. All this time though, I have still not given up on the idea of a non-verbal courtship (a friend suggested dumb girls much to my annoyance). Is it always that one has to express his mind to make the other person understand how much you really love her? Isn’t there an old saying that "Actions speak louder than words"?

I have since then tried to find out actually what is the correct protocol for the love stricken to express their feelings for their beloved. I have been left ever more confused. The trends of actually expressing the complicated feelings, when you are in love, seemed like well-rehearsed dialogues. I mean how can one simply say those three words and expect to convey a feeling that is as inexplicable as love? It is beyond me and the more I think of it the more confident I get that I had, after all the mishaps, been nurturing a correct instinct that love is inexplicable and to reason with someone whether your love is actually not an infatuation is really a waste of energy. You are, in your own capacity, always right and any amount of reasoning as to what is right and what is wrong would not change it; I happen to be no exception.

I was very introvert, the most amazing introvert in the whole wide world (according to SJ), who, for some reason kept his feelings a secret for three years in the hope that SJ will notice (I believed I was not an introvert but very sensitive (almost to the point where I could be labeled fragile)). The letter also screamed of my being a back-stabber! Imagine my dismay when I came to understand that she could have returned my affection only if I had proposed earlier (but now that I had not, it was out of the question). Although I found that accusation to be harsh for me I still accepted it. After all there is no point in arguing over a point when the whole outcome is unquestionably unfavorable.

I have since then stopped being an introvert (I try hard) and if I like someone I say it straightaway (much to the dislike of some of my ‘liked’). But what else could I have done? I am so poor in giving any hints and I am such an introvert that I might not say anything at all if I let that introvert me get on the top.

So now I have changed (or have I) and I speak my heart out on anything. I need a blend of both of them to make a responsible man out of me and I am really working on it right now.

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