Today it is all sunshine in a land where it is a luxury and the winds have a certain chill about it that would remind you of a moment long lost. But, nothing seemed right. Not even the best of weathers could be enjoyed if you are in such a lousy mood. But you have to accept the reality that you can do nothing about it.
My mind wanders off to a sultry day when the beaches seemed so colourful and the sea so green and there was fun and laugter all around. Pictures of that day were a long lasting memory of what was a reality. The fun and frolick that filled the air that day is a distant memory. That someone got disoriented and preferred thorns to a smooth bed was something I could not have predicted but seriously speaking I had no hand in it... nor did I wish something of that proportion happened; for I was tipsy beyond my own limits. I had been tipsy for the most part of the vacation but that was not out of my habits... I did not trust myself in my normal senses and did not want to spoil the enjoyment.
People were surprised at my bold outlook when I engaged in the delicate craft of preparing a herbal stick and they watched as if it was something they never saw before. I was unfazed and not thinking and to some extent taking pride in my craftmanship. I wish I could have been different a bit more likable in a different sort of way and a bit less transparent in my likes and dislikes. Some say that I always pointedly do and indicate to things that I somehow connect with.
Extremely disadvantageous.
I wish I could have been discreet and an academic studying somewhere in Alaska and yet did not feel cold remembering someone equally discreet.
Disturbing thoughts.
I remember another rainy day when thungris and classical music played on... I remember the strange premonition I had and the strange and meaningful words and looks of a long lost acquaintance (or more of a self proclaimed lunatic and rival) and the uneasiness of a loss staring at my face. I wished I was somehow wrong but alas I say this with a pinch of salt I was so right.
The offer was not official and more personal and the offer took everything from me and bestowed the riches on someone else. Pooh! I was a jelly and a misfit for that gathering.
Please dont try and understand what I have confessed.
SJ was right.
I am too introvert to have said everything in public.
2 comments:
i wish i could stop wishing. there seems to be just no end to it. wishes make me vulnerable. wishes make me weak. wishes tell me i had not done things properly and someone else was in control of my life. but it not so. i believe. i believe in my sanity and reasoning. i believe what i did when i did was what was required to be done then. regrets - i seldom have. the lesser the regrets the lesser the wishes. when i portrayed what i was to who i wanted to, i wanted them to take me as i am. i am a packaged deal, take it or leave it. i do what i think i can do best and what is worthy of doing. i dont think if others mind my words or actions. for those who matter dont mind and those who mind dont matter.
i believe in sins as much as i believe in goodness. for without the one the other is meaningless. i believe life is binary - zeroes and ones. if one exists the other has to. chose which one you want to be, but can not deny or disbelieve the other.
i am zero, i am nemo, i am just another side of the coin - the dark side of the moon, the base of the lamp. i am darkness. but without darkness you just can not appreciate light. i do not appreciate light. i can not appreciate light. it makes a person a hypocrite. there is no gurantee that light is good. light kills. light kills innocent animals. the sun will kill anything that approaches it. light comes from fire and fire burns. darkness doesnt burn. darkness doesnt kill. darkness gives new life. like within an egg. darkness brings out light. like developing a negative.
i am dark. and i am bloody happy about it.
like me? good. not so? deal with it - its your problem.
Thank you @IHateItToo:
This was one of the best analysis that I could have expected. perhaps the time and the situation has not favoured me and that too for good but alas I am very impressionable and the ones I take interest in can bloody make good impressions...for it is I who made the rules and it is I who can disallow them going forth... But lazy as I am I tend to allow the rules to rot and stink before I decide the fate...
The gathering was not something that you have known about or discussed previously with anyone... but a small memory that I have so conveniently chosen to forget for I disallowed the rules I had set...
You are clear in your dealings and portrayal of self whereas I have certain reservations. I would prefer people break into me to find out what I really think and why I really do something.
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